My Current Struggle

I have shared different aspects of my life with you.  Different things I struggle with.  I have not shared on here about my weight.  Despite the fact that this is an area I struggle with.  I don't know why.  Not sure if it is because God has never prompted me to or if subconsciously I declared it off limits.  But, whatever the reason was, up to this point, I have been silent about it.  I am in the middle of a deep struggle with it right now and I feel that God is asking me to share.  I don't know why.  Don't know if it is simply for me to have a way to write it out and help release me from it or if it really is for someone else.  But, whatever the reason may be, here it is.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  Well, maybe not a lot of good......

I have always struggled with feeling like I was fat.  Even when I could look at myself and see that I wasn't, I felt that I was.  I dealt with this clear back to high school.  I guess I knew I wasn't necessarily "fat" but I was a little heavier than I wanted to be and had a fear of getting fat if I got any heavier.

Since having kids I would gain weight with pregnancy and then I would work at watching what I ate and exercising and I would take the weight off.  After Lance, our youngest,  I was actually down lower than I was in high school.  I fluctuated up and down in a 10 pound range after that time.  Working at if off and on.  Well, in the last few years, I have gained a significant amount of weight.  Last year I worked at it some and lost some of the weight but wasn't seeing the progress I had hoped for.  It wasn't coming off the way it used to when I put forth the same amount of effort.  So, I honestly kind of quit trying very hard.  I gained all the weight I lost back plus more.  So, at the beginning of this year, I knew I had to do something.  I began to change our diet as a family and we have begun to eat healthier foods.  I am not counting calories, but I am eating mostly organic foods, have eliminated most white sugar and white flour, and processed foods,  and I am trying to watch portion sizes.  I am exercising and putting forth effort.  In January I lost about 8 lbs, in February I fluctuated up and down for a net loss of about 1 lb.  I was a little frustrated and realized I hadn't been exercising consistently and had gotten a little lazy with watching what types of food I was eating and my portion sizes, so I decided I was going to do better in March.  I was committing to exercising more consistently and I was going to be more careful of my portion sizes.  So.......

In March I gained weight every single week!  This is where things start to get not so pretty!  Last Friday I weighed myself and saw that for the fourth week in a row I had gained weight again!  And, not just a wee bit!  I was gaining almost a pound a week!  What was going on?  I texted my weekly results to my accountability partners and asked them to be praying.  Said I had no idea what was going on, but I guess I needed to work harder.

I'll be honest, I had a melt down last Friday!  I  thought about giving up all together!  What's the point??? It's not working anyway!  Then, I panicked!  I couldn't quit altogether because if I was gaining this much weight when I was trying, what would happen if I wasn't!  Why was this happening to me??  I had my pity party a little bit longer then I texted a friend to ask her to pray for me.  I prayed a little while asking God to show me what He wanted me to do.  I moved on and got busy with the things I needed to get done.

Later that morning, my friend that I texted called me.  She prayed with me and talked with me and helped me sort through some of the issues that were wrapped up in all of this.  I told her my fears of if I quit trying I will gain a ton of weight.  I've always had a number that if I went over that number I needed to work and get the weight off.  That number was a while ago!  She point blank asked me, if you gain all this weight that you fear, will you still be okay with who you are?  Will you still know that you are a wonderful daughter of the King?  That God created you special?  As I cried I answered her and I said NO.  I will not be okay with myself if I gain that much weight.  I continued to explain that I have dealt with low self esteem my whole life and had finally in the past year come to a place of accepting who I am.  Being okay with me and accepting the role that God has for my life.  So many areas I have struggled with emotionally in the past will be brought back to the surface if I gain even more weight!

As I talked with her, I realized that somewhere in my life, I had made a vow that "I would never be overweight!"  So, now I needed to go back and find the root of that and take care of it.  I needed to come to a place where I do not place so much importance or find my value in how much I weigh or what size I am.  But, I struggled.  Doesn't God want us to take care of our bodies??  I asked her to continue to pray so that I could work through this and figure out what God was asking me to do.

At lunch time, I was praying while I was eating and I asked God to show me what He wanted me to do.  I heard Him say to me, "If you put forth this effort and see no results, will you still continue to put forth the effort?"  At that point, I knew that I was to continue putting forth the effort to be healthy, but I needed to stop focusing on the results.  I cannot control the results, I can only control what I put into it.  Well, I had mixed feelings about this.  In that one simple question, God spoke to two things to me.  The first was specifically about my weight.  I had this feeling from what was said that I needed to put forth the effort but I wasn't going to see results.  Scary.  The other was about other areas of my life.  When God asks me to do something, I cannot judge it's success by the results.  I need to gauge it's success on my level of obedience.  The rest is in God's hands.  I need to obey.  Period.

So, I told God I would continue to put forth the effort no matter what.  Honestly, what choice do I have??  So, part of me is thinking okay, I am going to work hard and I am not going to see results.  The other part of me is thinking, it's a test.  God is asking me if I am willing, but because I am being obedient, I will see results.  Trying to prepare myself for the first option but deep down kind of expecting the second.  Well, I weighed myself yesterday and sure enough, it's the first option.  I gained more weight from Friday to Wednesday than I had in any previous full week!

That's when the truth totally surfaced.  Deep down I had honestly felt like okay God I am being obedient so now you need to come through.  I really am not okay with gaining weight.  For every pound I gain, I feel less than!  Please don't judge me for what I am about to share, but I came to the realization that God has walked us through a lot of stuff.  He has taught me to trust Him through really difficult times.  Even to the point of being okay with the possibility of losing our business and our home.  A very real possibility over the past few years.  But, I was not okay with gaining weight.  I would rather be homeless than be fat!  Wow!  What is wrong with me??  Am I really that vain??

I had to step back and say God show me how to be okay with wherever I am.  But, at the same time realizing this was not an area I wanted to let go?  Why did God have to pick this for me?  Why couldn't he work on a different area??  I'm trying to go along with Him, but honestly, He's dragging me kicking and screaming.  I apologized to my husband and told Him that I may gain a significant amount of weight.  Not saying that I am going to, but that it's a very real possibility.  I shared my story with him and I think he thinks I'm crazy!  He said he would be fine with me gaining weight, but why would that be God's will for me?  I don't think it's God's will, but if it is what He needs to truly get my attention and teach me something, it's what He will use.

This morning during my quiet time, He reminded me that I asked Him to do this.  For those of you who read my blog, you may remember in my previous post  Change My Perspective, I asked God to show me any clutter that needed to go and that He would help me to clean house.  So, that's what He's doing.  It's hard because the other areas of my life that He has asked me to work on in the past are things about myself that I want to change anyway.  I am afraid to let go of this one because I don't know what it's going to look like.

I know this was a long post and I don't even know if any of this makes any sense to anyone else, but it's where I am.  It's my current struggle and the area God wants to release me from.  One more step in my journey of learning to be completely secure in who I am in Christ.  Not looking to external things to define who I am.

Change My Perspective

Do you ever have something in your house that's been a certain way so long you stop noticing it?  A project that hasn't been finished, an item that's out of place etc.  It has been there and you have become so used to seeing it that it doesn't even stand out to you any more.  At first you noticed it every time you saw it and thought I really need to do something about that, but other more important things took your time and it continued to sit there.  Before you knew it, it  began to blend in and you rarely even notice it or think about it any more!  Until you stop and look at your house through someone else's perspective!  You are having a big event at your house and you want everything to look nice and you stop and look at your home the way you think others will see it and now it's there again, you notice it!

I think many times our hearts can be the same way!  We have an area of our life that we know needs to change!  At first it really bothers us and we know we need to allow God to work in that area of our life!  We put forth a little effort to change things and may even make some progress, but other commitments and priorities pull at our time and we think we'll get back to it and take care of it later!  For awhile, every time we struggle with that area, it bothers us and we think, that's not pretty, I really need to do something about it.  Tomorrow I'm going to start focusing on allowing God to change me in this area, or next week when I'm done tackling this or when we're done with this commitment!  Then, I'll get to taking care of that!  But, guess what, after a while those thoughts, actions, attitudes, etc that shouldn't be there in our hearts become such a habit that we don't even think about them that much any more when they surface!  They've been there so long that we walk right by them and don't even realize that we have a problem any more!  Until we stop and evaluate our lives through God's perspective!  Suddenly we'll be placed in a position where God confronts us with an area that He wants to work on and we realize that we've been carrying this "issue" around and forgot it was even there!  But, God wants our hearts to be prepared for Him!  He doesn't ask us to be perfect, but he wants us to always be in this process of allowing Him to be cleaning out our hearts!

It's so much better than when we feel the need to get our houses all ready because someone is coming over because all we have to do with Him is invite Him to come in and allow Him to do the work!  Yes, it does take effort and commitment on our part to partner with Him!  But, we don't have to get it all ready for Him to come in!  We just have to be willing to part with the clutter He wants to dispose of!  Things that have been sitting around for way too long and have just become part of our hearts and we don't even see them there any more!

I really want to look at my heart through God's perspective and stop overlooking my bad attitudes, habits, thoughts etc and allow Him to begin to "clean house"!  God open my eyes to the clutter that's sitting around in my heart!  Help it to stand out like a sore thumb so that I will allow you to begin that process of decluttering!  Thank you that I don't have to do it alone!  You do the work and I partner with you!  Help me to stick with it to the end and not only take the work so far, leaving remnants of the clutter only half removed and then returning to it's original condition!  All too often God I allow you to take the work so far and then it gets too hard or I get distracted by other things and when the work is not complete in an area I find that it just attracts all that stuff right back!  Help me to allow you to remove my "clutter" and replace it with your works of beauty!

Hard Lessons

A couple weeks ago one of our daughters wanted to do something.  It was something we were probably going to let her do, but as the conversation went on, we realized that she had misrepresented the truth.  She hadn't really technically lied, but she had misled me in the way she presented it to me.  I had to tell her that because of the way she handled it we couldn't let her do it and then we had to go to her friend and tell her that she couldn't and explain why.

Later I found my daughter alone crying.  I asked her if she was crying because it didn't work out to do what she wanted.  She told me no that she was crying because she was upset with herself for not handling it the right way and because she felt like she had let her friend down!  In that moment, as I saw her brokenness and remorse, it was so tempting to give in and allow her to do what she had wanted to do.  After all, it didn't just affect her, but also her friend.  But I also knew as easy as it would've been to do that, the lesson would be longer lasting if even though she was repentant, she still had to pay the consequences.  I think there is a time for both grace and paying the price of our decisions!

Well, later that day, she came out of her room and told us that God spoke to her about the situation through a song that played on the radio.  At bedtime that night her devotions also spoke to her situation and she was so blessed by God speaking directly to her about her situation!  God is awesome!

As I watched her that day going through her pain, I wanted to step in and make her feel better, but at the same time realizing she needed to experience this pain to learn that her choices have consequences, I had the thought that we often do the same thing with God!  I believe there are times that God intends to bless us a certain way but in the middle of circumstances we want something bad enough that we are willing to compromise and go about trying to get it our own way that in the long run we invite heartache and pain into our situation that didn't need to be there!  If we would just wait on God and allow Him to work things out according to His plan.  Sometimes I think we miss out on the blessing all together like Alyssa did that day or other times we may still receive it but not without a painful journey of getting there that could've been avoided!

Some examples that I thought of from the Bible are Abraham and Sarah.  They got impatient waiting on Isaac and took matters into their own hands!  People are still paying the price for that choice!  Jacob and Esau.  I believe that God had a better plan than deceit to pass the birthright down through Jacob, but Jacob and Rebekah took matters into their own hands!  Once again not only affecting themselves, but a whole nation!

I know there have been many times in my life that I have tried to go about doing things my own way instead of waiting on God's plan.  Not necessarily anything bad, just not being willing to wait on His timing!  I maneuver and work things out the way I think they should be so that I can reach this goal.  A goal that possibly God wanted for me, but in trying to get their through my own means instead of allowing the Holy Spirit to guide me and open the doors, I barge through closed doors and make a mess of things!  Sometimes ruining the opportunity for that altogether and otherwise at least causing more work and or pain and often delaying it even more!

I'm learning more and more to wait on God and His timing.  Sometimes "doing nothing" is exactly what God wants for us at that moment!  We don't have to make things happen, we need to wait on God to open the doors and make the path clear!