Thursday, December 20, 2012
While I'm Waiting
I woke up this morning with the line "While I'm waiting" going over and over again in my head. I couldn't even remember where I knew the song from or any of the other lines. Had no idea why it was in my head! After I got the kids on the bus I sat down to have some alone time with God. I spent some time just being quietly in His presence! Very little verbal communication, just resting in His presence! These words were still in my head!
After spending some time in my Bible, I got my journal out to see if I had anything I wanted to write down. I wasn't hearing anything so I decided to glance back in my journal. I like to look back and see what I've been hearing sometimes. Well just a few days ago I had written these thoughts and then what I felt the Lord was saying in response and suddenly I understood why this song had been in my head! I had forgotten I had even journaled this! Below is what I had written.
Waiting, waiting, waiting.....can be so hard! But in that waiting comes strength. In that waiting comes perseverance. In that waiting comes maturity. In that waiting comes greater faith. In that waiting comes pruning. I so often feel like I'm in a holding pattern! I feel like God has been saying wait to me for so long that some days I feel like it's the only word in His vocabulary! I feel like I've been circling waiting for my turn to land, often times feeling like I'm doing nothing but going in those circles! But, I realize that I'm not in a holding pattern, I'm in training! I'm being prepared! But, sometimes training is hard! It can seem endless! It can be exhausting! It can feel like you're not getting anywhere! It can seem like you're going one step forward and two steps back! Some days quite frankly you want to throw in the towel! As hard as training is, it is even harder when you aren't totally sure what you are training for!
Lord, forgive me for grumbling about waiting! Help me to look for the opportunities within the waiting instead of focusing on the hard parts!
His reply:
My daughter, can you just trust me? Am I enough for you? Do you need a great purpose? Do you need great accomplishments? Is my relationship with you enough? Not a relationship to just keep to yourself, but a filling of you by Me that spills out on to the people you are with! Allowing me to touch people through you as you go throughout your day! You may not even know it happened! It might just be you carrying my presence into a room and shifting the atmosphere but you not even knowing it happened! Just walk with me each day! That's all you need to do! Live in my presence! Be a conduit through which I can flow! It doesn't need to be big things, it just needs to be obedience!
So, after I read that I thought I need to look up this song! So I looked it up on You Tube and listened! Exactly what God was already telling me! Focus on worship and obedience! Be filled with me and move ahead in confidence! Waiting doesn't mean stop! It simply means there's more! Honestly, we will always be waiting! As we are given one assignment, we are waiting on the next! As we are given one piece of the puzzle, we are waiting on the next! As we are filled more with God's presence we are waiting on more! We will never be done waiting until we reach heaven where we are forever in His glorious presence at it's fullest capacity! Sometimes we are in periods of time where we feel like all we are doing is waiting and there feels like there is no action! During those times, we need to focus on simply going deeper in our walk with Him and daily walking in obedience! Things are happening through us, we just don't always see it! It's all part of His plan and His purpose! He knows exactly what He is doing, we just need to trust Him!
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Stop the Lies!
I woke up Saturday thinking it was going to be a great day! We were going nowhere all day! We were going to decorate the Christmas tree and get all of our decorations up! I had this great picture of us playing Christmas music, smiling and laughing and sipping hot chocolate! Isn't that the way it's supposed to work?? =) Well, we slept in and then ate breakfast and I cleaned up a little and we were ready to get started! Well, out of nowhere, I just felt so discouraged! Well, I shouldn't say nowhere. Something small happened but it completely threw me! It felt bigger than that little incident! I couldn't shake this overwhelming feeling of discouragement! I went through my whole day that way! Kind of felt like Eeyore with my own little cloud following me around!
That evening everyone else was outside and I was preparing supper. I was spending some time in prayer during this brief time of quiet and I began to hear these little whispers. "How is God using you? What do you have to offer? Where do you fit in? God has better gifted people than you to accomplish His plans! Why would you even pursue being equipped for further ministry when He won't use you anyway?? Why do you even blog? No one cares about what you have to say!" I began to feel worthless and purposeless! I knew these were lies from the enemy but they were beating me up anyway! I stood there and I thought, "Where is this coming from? I've been doing so well at overcoming his lies the last few months! I've felt secure in who I am in Christ and when the enemy has thrown me lies I've come back with God's truths and moved on! Why now??" Then God began to show me times through out my week that I had been told lies by the enemy, recognized that's what they were but did nothing about them! I allowed them little by little to just sit there! I hadn't dwelt on them at the time, but I also didn't speak truth to replace them! I took them on! As I stood there in my kitchen I was completely overcome! It didn't matter that I knew they were lies or that I now knew where they came from, I was completely incapable of letting them go! I cried and felt completely worthless! I began to think that nothing I've been doing has been worthwhile or has accomplished anything! I've not had an impact on anyone's life! I've not made a difference at all!
Then, I stopped and I thought I cannot do this! Lord, I need help! I decided right then that if I didn't take action I would end up where I was a little less than a year ago and I was not doing that again! No more pity parties! No more comparisons! So, I immediately messaged a friend and told her what was going on and I asked her to pray! I wanted someone else to know where I was at. To be praying for me and so that I had accountability! She prayed for me as I knew she would, encouraged me and gave me some scripture.
The next morning as I was spending time in prayer before church I was praying for our service and for Steve as he led. I felt like God impressed on my heart to pray that the Holy Spirit would give Steve something new and that he would be obedient and be willing to can what he originally planned despite his time and energy that he had put into the original plan. That he would allow the Holy Spirit to lead our morning no matter what that looked like! So, I prayed that. And of course I headed to church with anticipation! Anxious to see what God was up to! But, I'll be honest after the way I had been feeling the previous evening and was still feeling discouraged I thought maybe it wasn't really God but simply my imagination! The only other thing I remember praying Sunday morning was, "God, you know how I'm feeling right now! I'm struggling with who I am! I feel completely insignificant! I don't feel like I have a purpose or that I have any value! I am asking you to please give me a sign today of how you feel about me! Show me that I matter! Send someone with a word from you or do something to just show me that I matter to you! Something that I can't miss!"
So, we get to church and I helped get everything set up! I took care of a few things and then being in the place I was at, I went and sat down at my seat and didn't really even talk to anyone! I sat there just feeling sorry for myself and honestly forgetting about what I had prayed that morning! Worship started and I was only partially engaged! We sat down and Steve got up to share the message. He started talking but I was distracted by giving a little girl back to her mother and missed what he said. Then I realized that Steve was apologizing because he felt unprepared because an hour before the service the Holy Spirit gave him a new message and he had no time to prepare! He had worked all week on another message but that wasn't the one he was to share! I laughed inside and thought I am going to have to apologize to Steve later! Well, as he began his message he spoke on our identity and who we are in Christ! How we are all valuable and have worth in Christ! Without him we are nothing but in Christ we are wonderful! He shared from Psalm 139 and Ephesians 2. He made the statement that we need to stop comparing ourselves to others! Talk about hitting the nail on the head! For those of you who have read my blog before you know this is a problem for me and was what got me to where I was the night before! Wow! I sat there in amazement! Not only had God answered my prayer about allowing the Holy Spirit to change the plan for the morning, He changed the sermon to exactly what I needed to hear! I sat there thinking, "Wow God! I will accept this as my sign about how much you value me! How much more obvious can it be?" When I prayed that morning I had no idea that God was going to answer both of those prayers with the same thing!
I went up to Steve and apologized for wrecking his morning! LOL! I shared with him what had happened. I shared that it was doubly my fault because I prayed it would happen and the message was what I needed! I was the one who needed to hear that! I'm sure there were plenty of others who needed that message that morning, but for me it was very personal! We then talked for a little and Steve shared some things with me that I needed to hear! Things that encouraged me and filled me again with expectation and anticipation! He didn't give me answers, but he gave me more questions that sent me back into pursuing God's heart! Feeling like once again I had purpose!
I came home that afternoon and I got out my Bible, my Jesus Calling devotional book and my journal! It's so funny how God works! I read my devotional from Jesus Calling from the day before because I hadn't read it and the scripture she quoted was Psalm 139! Then, after journaling for awhile I looked back through my old journal entries and came to one that I was writing what God was saying to me from Psalm 139! Then that evening I was reading Francis Chan's book Forgotten God and he quoted Ephesians 2! It's funny how when God wants you to get something, He will repeat it!
So, on Saturday I felt defeated and completely unsuited for ministry! By the end of the day Sunday, I was excited and anticipating what God is up to! My challenge to you is this. When the enemy tells you lies, don't just realize that they are lies, do something about them! Renounce them! Speak God's truth in place of them! Because even though you might not realize it when you leave them alone they are still sitting there! They may be dormant for a bit, but they are there and will come back to bite you! Also, when you feel like you have gotten to that place where the lies are more than you can escape on your own, don't try to walk it alone! God has given us relationships for a reason! He wants us to walk this journey together! I've tried to hide how I'm feeling from everyone else in the past! To look on the outside like I am doing fine when on the inside I am falling apart and it doesn't work! Find that person that you can ask to pray for you! Someone who won't let you completely withdraw and fall deeper into that bed of lies! Someone who will speak truth into your life! God is good! He will rescue you from that place if you ask Him to! He will show you that person who will walk beside you! He is a personal and intimate God and He loves you very much!
That evening everyone else was outside and I was preparing supper. I was spending some time in prayer during this brief time of quiet and I began to hear these little whispers. "How is God using you? What do you have to offer? Where do you fit in? God has better gifted people than you to accomplish His plans! Why would you even pursue being equipped for further ministry when He won't use you anyway?? Why do you even blog? No one cares about what you have to say!" I began to feel worthless and purposeless! I knew these were lies from the enemy but they were beating me up anyway! I stood there and I thought, "Where is this coming from? I've been doing so well at overcoming his lies the last few months! I've felt secure in who I am in Christ and when the enemy has thrown me lies I've come back with God's truths and moved on! Why now??" Then God began to show me times through out my week that I had been told lies by the enemy, recognized that's what they were but did nothing about them! I allowed them little by little to just sit there! I hadn't dwelt on them at the time, but I also didn't speak truth to replace them! I took them on! As I stood there in my kitchen I was completely overcome! It didn't matter that I knew they were lies or that I now knew where they came from, I was completely incapable of letting them go! I cried and felt completely worthless! I began to think that nothing I've been doing has been worthwhile or has accomplished anything! I've not had an impact on anyone's life! I've not made a difference at all!
Then, I stopped and I thought I cannot do this! Lord, I need help! I decided right then that if I didn't take action I would end up where I was a little less than a year ago and I was not doing that again! No more pity parties! No more comparisons! So, I immediately messaged a friend and told her what was going on and I asked her to pray! I wanted someone else to know where I was at. To be praying for me and so that I had accountability! She prayed for me as I knew she would, encouraged me and gave me some scripture.
The next morning as I was spending time in prayer before church I was praying for our service and for Steve as he led. I felt like God impressed on my heart to pray that the Holy Spirit would give Steve something new and that he would be obedient and be willing to can what he originally planned despite his time and energy that he had put into the original plan. That he would allow the Holy Spirit to lead our morning no matter what that looked like! So, I prayed that. And of course I headed to church with anticipation! Anxious to see what God was up to! But, I'll be honest after the way I had been feeling the previous evening and was still feeling discouraged I thought maybe it wasn't really God but simply my imagination! The only other thing I remember praying Sunday morning was, "God, you know how I'm feeling right now! I'm struggling with who I am! I feel completely insignificant! I don't feel like I have a purpose or that I have any value! I am asking you to please give me a sign today of how you feel about me! Show me that I matter! Send someone with a word from you or do something to just show me that I matter to you! Something that I can't miss!"
So, we get to church and I helped get everything set up! I took care of a few things and then being in the place I was at, I went and sat down at my seat and didn't really even talk to anyone! I sat there just feeling sorry for myself and honestly forgetting about what I had prayed that morning! Worship started and I was only partially engaged! We sat down and Steve got up to share the message. He started talking but I was distracted by giving a little girl back to her mother and missed what he said. Then I realized that Steve was apologizing because he felt unprepared because an hour before the service the Holy Spirit gave him a new message and he had no time to prepare! He had worked all week on another message but that wasn't the one he was to share! I laughed inside and thought I am going to have to apologize to Steve later! Well, as he began his message he spoke on our identity and who we are in Christ! How we are all valuable and have worth in Christ! Without him we are nothing but in Christ we are wonderful! He shared from Psalm 139 and Ephesians 2. He made the statement that we need to stop comparing ourselves to others! Talk about hitting the nail on the head! For those of you who have read my blog before you know this is a problem for me and was what got me to where I was the night before! Wow! I sat there in amazement! Not only had God answered my prayer about allowing the Holy Spirit to change the plan for the morning, He changed the sermon to exactly what I needed to hear! I sat there thinking, "Wow God! I will accept this as my sign about how much you value me! How much more obvious can it be?" When I prayed that morning I had no idea that God was going to answer both of those prayers with the same thing!
I went up to Steve and apologized for wrecking his morning! LOL! I shared with him what had happened. I shared that it was doubly my fault because I prayed it would happen and the message was what I needed! I was the one who needed to hear that! I'm sure there were plenty of others who needed that message that morning, but for me it was very personal! We then talked for a little and Steve shared some things with me that I needed to hear! Things that encouraged me and filled me again with expectation and anticipation! He didn't give me answers, but he gave me more questions that sent me back into pursuing God's heart! Feeling like once again I had purpose!
I came home that afternoon and I got out my Bible, my Jesus Calling devotional book and my journal! It's so funny how God works! I read my devotional from Jesus Calling from the day before because I hadn't read it and the scripture she quoted was Psalm 139! Then, after journaling for awhile I looked back through my old journal entries and came to one that I was writing what God was saying to me from Psalm 139! Then that evening I was reading Francis Chan's book Forgotten God and he quoted Ephesians 2! It's funny how when God wants you to get something, He will repeat it!
So, on Saturday I felt defeated and completely unsuited for ministry! By the end of the day Sunday, I was excited and anticipating what God is up to! My challenge to you is this. When the enemy tells you lies, don't just realize that they are lies, do something about them! Renounce them! Speak God's truth in place of them! Because even though you might not realize it when you leave them alone they are still sitting there! They may be dormant for a bit, but they are there and will come back to bite you! Also, when you feel like you have gotten to that place where the lies are more than you can escape on your own, don't try to walk it alone! God has given us relationships for a reason! He wants us to walk this journey together! I've tried to hide how I'm feeling from everyone else in the past! To look on the outside like I am doing fine when on the inside I am falling apart and it doesn't work! Find that person that you can ask to pray for you! Someone who won't let you completely withdraw and fall deeper into that bed of lies! Someone who will speak truth into your life! God is good! He will rescue you from that place if you ask Him to! He will show you that person who will walk beside you! He is a personal and intimate God and He loves you very much!
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