My Current Struggle

I have shared different aspects of my life with you.  Different things I struggle with.  I have not shared on here about my weight.  Despite the fact that this is an area I struggle with.  I don't know why.  Not sure if it is because God has never prompted me to or if subconsciously I declared it off limits.  But, whatever the reason was, up to this point, I have been silent about it.  I am in the middle of a deep struggle with it right now and I feel that God is asking me to share.  I don't know why.  Don't know if it is simply for me to have a way to write it out and help release me from it or if it really is for someone else.  But, whatever the reason may be, here it is.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  Well, maybe not a lot of good......

I have always struggled with feeling like I was fat.  Even when I could look at myself and see that I wasn't, I felt that I was.  I dealt with this clear back to high school.  I guess I knew I wasn't necessarily "fat" but I was a little heavier than I wanted to be and had a fear of getting fat if I got any heavier.

Since having kids I would gain weight with pregnancy and then I would work at watching what I ate and exercising and I would take the weight off.  After Lance, our youngest,  I was actually down lower than I was in high school.  I fluctuated up and down in a 10 pound range after that time.  Working at if off and on.  Well, in the last few years, I have gained a significant amount of weight.  Last year I worked at it some and lost some of the weight but wasn't seeing the progress I had hoped for.  It wasn't coming off the way it used to when I put forth the same amount of effort.  So, I honestly kind of quit trying very hard.  I gained all the weight I lost back plus more.  So, at the beginning of this year, I knew I had to do something.  I began to change our diet as a family and we have begun to eat healthier foods.  I am not counting calories, but I am eating mostly organic foods, have eliminated most white sugar and white flour, and processed foods,  and I am trying to watch portion sizes.  I am exercising and putting forth effort.  In January I lost about 8 lbs, in February I fluctuated up and down for a net loss of about 1 lb.  I was a little frustrated and realized I hadn't been exercising consistently and had gotten a little lazy with watching what types of food I was eating and my portion sizes, so I decided I was going to do better in March.  I was committing to exercising more consistently and I was going to be more careful of my portion sizes.  So.......

In March I gained weight every single week!  This is where things start to get not so pretty!  Last Friday I weighed myself and saw that for the fourth week in a row I had gained weight again!  And, not just a wee bit!  I was gaining almost a pound a week!  What was going on?  I texted my weekly results to my accountability partners and asked them to be praying.  Said I had no idea what was going on, but I guess I needed to work harder.

I'll be honest, I had a melt down last Friday!  I  thought about giving up all together!  What's the point??? It's not working anyway!  Then, I panicked!  I couldn't quit altogether because if I was gaining this much weight when I was trying, what would happen if I wasn't!  Why was this happening to me??  I had my pity party a little bit longer then I texted a friend to ask her to pray for me.  I prayed a little while asking God to show me what He wanted me to do.  I moved on and got busy with the things I needed to get done.

Later that morning, my friend that I texted called me.  She prayed with me and talked with me and helped me sort through some of the issues that were wrapped up in all of this.  I told her my fears of if I quit trying I will gain a ton of weight.  I've always had a number that if I went over that number I needed to work and get the weight off.  That number was a while ago!  She point blank asked me, if you gain all this weight that you fear, will you still be okay with who you are?  Will you still know that you are a wonderful daughter of the King?  That God created you special?  As I cried I answered her and I said NO.  I will not be okay with myself if I gain that much weight.  I continued to explain that I have dealt with low self esteem my whole life and had finally in the past year come to a place of accepting who I am.  Being okay with me and accepting the role that God has for my life.  So many areas I have struggled with emotionally in the past will be brought back to the surface if I gain even more weight!

As I talked with her, I realized that somewhere in my life, I had made a vow that "I would never be overweight!"  So, now I needed to go back and find the root of that and take care of it.  I needed to come to a place where I do not place so much importance or find my value in how much I weigh or what size I am.  But, I struggled.  Doesn't God want us to take care of our bodies??  I asked her to continue to pray so that I could work through this and figure out what God was asking me to do.

At lunch time, I was praying while I was eating and I asked God to show me what He wanted me to do.  I heard Him say to me, "If you put forth this effort and see no results, will you still continue to put forth the effort?"  At that point, I knew that I was to continue putting forth the effort to be healthy, but I needed to stop focusing on the results.  I cannot control the results, I can only control what I put into it.  Well, I had mixed feelings about this.  In that one simple question, God spoke to two things to me.  The first was specifically about my weight.  I had this feeling from what was said that I needed to put forth the effort but I wasn't going to see results.  Scary.  The other was about other areas of my life.  When God asks me to do something, I cannot judge it's success by the results.  I need to gauge it's success on my level of obedience.  The rest is in God's hands.  I need to obey.  Period.

So, I told God I would continue to put forth the effort no matter what.  Honestly, what choice do I have??  So, part of me is thinking okay, I am going to work hard and I am not going to see results.  The other part of me is thinking, it's a test.  God is asking me if I am willing, but because I am being obedient, I will see results.  Trying to prepare myself for the first option but deep down kind of expecting the second.  Well, I weighed myself yesterday and sure enough, it's the first option.  I gained more weight from Friday to Wednesday than I had in any previous full week!

That's when the truth totally surfaced.  Deep down I had honestly felt like okay God I am being obedient so now you need to come through.  I really am not okay with gaining weight.  For every pound I gain, I feel less than!  Please don't judge me for what I am about to share, but I came to the realization that God has walked us through a lot of stuff.  He has taught me to trust Him through really difficult times.  Even to the point of being okay with the possibility of losing our business and our home.  A very real possibility over the past few years.  But, I was not okay with gaining weight.  I would rather be homeless than be fat!  Wow!  What is wrong with me??  Am I really that vain??

I had to step back and say God show me how to be okay with wherever I am.  But, at the same time realizing this was not an area I wanted to let go?  Why did God have to pick this for me?  Why couldn't he work on a different area??  I'm trying to go along with Him, but honestly, He's dragging me kicking and screaming.  I apologized to my husband and told Him that I may gain a significant amount of weight.  Not saying that I am going to, but that it's a very real possibility.  I shared my story with him and I think he thinks I'm crazy!  He said he would be fine with me gaining weight, but why would that be God's will for me?  I don't think it's God's will, but if it is what He needs to truly get my attention and teach me something, it's what He will use.

This morning during my quiet time, He reminded me that I asked Him to do this.  For those of you who read my blog, you may remember in my previous post  Change My Perspective, I asked God to show me any clutter that needed to go and that He would help me to clean house.  So, that's what He's doing.  It's hard because the other areas of my life that He has asked me to work on in the past are things about myself that I want to change anyway.  I am afraid to let go of this one because I don't know what it's going to look like.

I know this was a long post and I don't even know if any of this makes any sense to anyone else, but it's where I am.  It's my current struggle and the area God wants to release me from.  One more step in my journey of learning to be completely secure in who I am in Christ.  Not looking to external things to define who I am.